Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
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If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Danger is very dangerous
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.