[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
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Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo