Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
my astrological sign is a french fry
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.