If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
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WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad