[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
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[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc