*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
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Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Money is the root of all wealth
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces