[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
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eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.