i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
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one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome