*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
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Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.