ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
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I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.