The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
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I have never related to a cat more
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
getting old is fun
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
#oldknees
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.