If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
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“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Close call…
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Just got to our Airbnb!
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS