GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
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[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Passwords are more important than ever.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed