Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
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We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere