Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
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My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆