My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
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im 7 sauces long
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
May never get over this
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
#CoronaOutbreak
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.