Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he鈥檚 here
Me: 馃槼
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Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight鈥nd I don鈥檛 want to show up鈥nderdressed
guy who just started working today: I鈥檓 afraid you鈥檒l be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where鈥檚 the sauna?
Awesome parenting 馃槀
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
I WANNA STOP DRINKING鈥硷笍 but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 馃槥
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
kevin is now a local weatherman
“Schr枚dinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…