So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
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So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.