Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
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Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
#winning
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
sensitive skin
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap