Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
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The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]