My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
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Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell