ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
You Might Also Like
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.