As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
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no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
She puts the hot in psychotic
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground