We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
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Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
The Weeknd is back
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable