He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
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I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Monday
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.