Godzilla was the first house flipper.
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Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair