1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
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*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
I hate when that happens.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter