Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
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Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
I only treason on days ending in y
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*