Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
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Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
My birthstone is kidney
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.