If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
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I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Who called it baking and not making love
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.