Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
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friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Well, this explains it:
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Cucumbers Anonymous
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke