I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
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Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us