Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
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pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.