There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
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What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.