Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
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Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Previously On Persistence 😎
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!