just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
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My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.