“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
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She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.