Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
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I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project