Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
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I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Always a metermaid never a meter
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you