My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
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judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.