Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
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Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Saint West, the patron of selfies
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
greetings!
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.