“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
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I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me