[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
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Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
I think my mom just blocked me
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
I occasionally drink every single night.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.