🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
You Might Also Like
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”