They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
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Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!