One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
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Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho