Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
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the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
My time has come.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”