*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
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I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
I’m too immature for adultery.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.