[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
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When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
We found love in a hopeless place.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes