Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
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The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
What flavor cupcake are these
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.